I have mentioned on here before that I pray to the Mother Kali; but I haven’t said much about how my worship of Her has changed me, or affected my life. I figured now was a good time, and can hopefully help anyone who seeks personal and outer transformation with help of the Goddess, Kali or otherwise.
What can I say about Kali? That hasn’t already been said by someone else I mean? A quick Google will net you a ton of info about Her; most of it not all that great to be honest, with a few exceptions. That’s not to say I have the Ma all figured out – no one does, I don’t think anyway. But with a Goddess as old as the Ma, and with followers all over the world, different people and different cultures all bring their own spin to the Ma; and She refuses no one.
But one common element you’d note in your imaginary Google search across the board (well, except for those who assume She is the Devil in disguise) is transformation. Kali is the ultimate Changing Mother, whose sword cuts away everything that holds you back, both outside, and within you.
…so often in our culture, we want change, we want to change ourselves, our world. But change is difficult; or at least, it can be. That’s why there are a trillion self-help books, weekend seminars, and all sorts of things available to try to assist people in seeking their own transformation. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not discounting these things (well, not ALL of them). If you truly want to change something about yourself, then you should (carefully) peruse the options available to help you do that.
But reading a book, even one that makes you think about yourself in a new way, even one you really agree with, does not alone elicit transformation. You are trying to change something about yourself that has most likely been that way for a very, very long time – your logical mind may agree, but your subconscious is used to doing what it has been doing. Or maybe you’ll twist the new teachings you’ve found around to suit your old way of thinking. Because that’s the only way to avoid the first stage of transformation – being uncomfortable.
Being terrified, even. Because change is just that – CHANGE. It will require you to change how you think about yourself, and your world. It will be hard, and make you cry, and be frustrated. Even positive change solicits this response; “What if I’m wrong? What if I’m just thinking what I want to think is true? What if this makes other people dislike me? This makes me nervous.”
Kali. as I mentioned, is the Ultimate Changing Mother; She looks at you with love, listens to your prayers, knows what inside you (and outside you) is holding you back, and helps you to confront, and ultimately overcome these things. This can be easy, or hard, depending on your fear level – however hard you cling, however many blocks your mind throws up, the more painful this change will be.
There have been moments for me, dark moments, when I was terrified of the Ma. I feared Her, and Her guidance, and worried over where She would lead me. I felt unable to handle whatever She guided me to. But overtime, these fears have faded. Because here is the secret of the Ma, and, I think of any of the “dark goddesses”:
She wants you to triumph. She wants you to be strong. She wants you to be confident, happy, and powerful.
Note, I really should write here “power-full”; the Ma doesn’t want Her children gaining false power and confidence from lording over someone else. But instead, to be full of your own power – to know that you are strong in your own right, to know you are beautiful and kind and capable and loved.
Unfortunately, we are often raised to think and feel exactly the opposite – to feel small, unsure, scared, and insecure. But the Mother is not Jehovah, who proclaims that the meek shall inherit the Earth. And though She demands respect, what loving Mom wants to see Her kids whimpering and scared of Her? Doubting themselves and their ability to learn and grow? No mother wants that – so She pushes.
And old fears and insecurities rise to the surface. And you cry. And get terrified. And start to wonder if all of this was stupid, maybe you were safer the way you were before, miserable but at least surrounded by familiar. Maybe the Ma is the demon the fundamentalists Christians scream She is.
And all the while, your Mother waits patiently, and watches over you until you remember who you are. And even when you scream and rant and (throw a temper tantrum?) curse Her and everything, She waits.
When you reach your lowest, and are so miserable and afraid that even though you resent Her now and are scared of Her you cry out desperately, pleadingly, for help, (pleasepleasepleaseIcantunderstandwhyIfeelthispleaseIamscaredofyoubutIneedyouhelpmepleasepleasepleaseplease) then She will comfort you, gently, as you confront your monsters.
Because that’s what in the end She does. She guides you to your boogeymen – the monster under your bed that you maybe forgot was there but now that you know is there are sure you can’t face – and hold your hand as you fight back. You drive him out. And you think that you will lose, are sure you will actually.
But not the Ma. She knows you will win. Because She will help you to do it.
That is not to say that the Ma is this harsh, unfeeling task master, though at times it has certainly felt that way. But if I’m being honest, those times were few, and (to be doubly honest) looking back I can see Her trying to guide me in gentle, kinder ways to the truth. The Ma isn’t a sadomasochist – She loves us. Every hard lesson I can think of was proceeded by a bunch of smaller, gentler ones that didn’t work. Like I said above, change is hard – sometimes a hard shock is required. There have been many tears on the way to here, and I won’t pretend otherwise. I have screamed, sobbed, swore, broke down in dry heaves, lost a best friend, and been frozen in fear. Even now, these feelings arise from time to time. And I’m sure that as more false parts of me a cut away, they will again.
I am also now more confident, active, happy, interested, involved in my life than general than I have ever been. I have experienced moments of love so strong that could only be described as “heart orgasms”, felt trees alive and breathing and conscious around me, feel the moon thrum Her pulse in me, danced in giddy delight naked and without a shred of self-consciousness, stood up to people who intimidated me, went down paths that frightened me and came out unscathed and stronger. For the first time in years, I feel that I am going somewhere. I’m not sure the exactly destination yet, but I see the horizon at least – I’ve never been this close to feeling like a actual person before. Which is pathetic to write out, but it is sadly true. And no matter what happens, I know (despite the old fears of the angry God of my childhood that rear up and demand that Kali must be the same) that the Ma loves me. I know I’m not alone.
Thank you, Ma