Goddess Thoughts, Growing And Learning, Intuitive Development, self-love, Spirituality

An Open Letter Regarding My Goal – Or, don’t worry, I’m okay

Merging the duality is my goal. Merging my emotional, mental, spiritual and physical sides, seeing them as the one entity I logically understand them to be, is my goal, to clarify. 
Because I do genuinely believe that (or would like to); I think our bodies are just as sacred as any holy relic, our planet just as divine as the most revered of temples. There is, in my mind, no reason not to treat our everyday activities and doings with the same reverence we would any holy act. 
The problem is, this belief is very far afield from the ones I was raised around – that humanity is inherently sinful, that the body is sinful, that a certain decorum and behavior are expected if one wishes to rise above our base natures. That we must seek forgiveness for the simple, not-chosen act of existing, let alone all the things we actually CHOOSE to do. 
…to transition from seeing our natural instincts as “base natures” to seeing them as part of the wonder of being physically incarnate is hard, from this perspective. To feel the Goddess in everything, to know the spiritual in pumping gas at the local fill-up station when you only before felt it on your knees in solemn prayer is even harder. Particularly if, historically, like me, you don’t trust your abilities or even like yourself very much. You basically have to unlearn everything you’ve learned up to this point, and reprogram your mind to think in a entirely different way. 
Of course, this whole process also leads to overwhelming fear. Fear that maybe I’m doing this all wrong. Lately I’ve been overwhelmed with guidance to embrace the sacred play, the joy in the spiritual – the ecstasy that come from surrendering to the heart and the knowledge that the Goddess is within me and all things. To trust that I am loved and protected and go out into the world confident and explore and have fun.
 But how exactly does one do that? I look within and feel absolutely no joy, just confusion and fear and loneliness. I am not used to this idea, this crazy idea that “hey Krissy, maybe you’re okay; maybe I love you Krissy and you can do this – I’ve taught you what you need to know, and if you need more help, I’ll give it to you whenever you ask.” 
Or “No Krissy, you don’t have to be worried, I’m not mad at you, I know you’re trying your best and you are doing great with your training and your research and studies- you just need to relax and enjoy things a little more.”
Or “No, I’m not mad you slept in, or binge-ate a whole pizza or watched 3 straight hours of funny videos on YouTube because you were stressed and couldn’t handle thinking anymore. It’s fine. You’re struggling to learn, and that takes time. Just relax. You’ll get there. Stop being so hard on yourself.”
This, all of this, is so far away from the environment I group up in, and so different from my own way of thinking that my brain goes into a vicious fear-spiral when such guidance hits, and doesn’t know what to do. It (my brain) naturally assumes that this is wishful thinking on my part, and berates myself for being lazy. Or self-indulgent. Or selfish. Usually all three. Then the guidance gets a little more insistent – I keep pulling cards insisting I look within with love, and play more. But of course I must be reading those wrong, my brain insists. Spiritual work is WORK, and it takes years of self sacrifice and self-renunciation and dedication to make the slightest bit of advancement. 
…then things start to heat up a little. I get dreams of misery and fear, and my ability to sense the Ma’s presence fades in front of my stress and exhaustion and suddenly my best friend is texting me, worried about me, telling me frantically that it’s okay to back off and relax a little and that the Goddess seems to be the only thing in my life.
Argh. 
Here’s the thing – self-renunciation, self sacrifice, work….these are not the Goddess. And in a calm frame of mind, I know this. She created me, the way I am. And only old programming from years of self-hatred brought on by other people’s self-hatred could make me forget that. Dedication is important, and necessary, but spiritual growth is not a hierarchy, not an “advancement”, as described above. If anything, it is a descent- a delving down into the deepest parts of the heart, where the soul rests, and letting everything else fall away. 
This is not a sad journey either, though at times it is a solitary one – some healing must be done by you and you alone. But the goddess-within is not a sad creature. She is simply, for many people, a waiting one, one who waits for you to shed all the old crusty layers of the self and embrace her. 
Because actually, my best friend was right in one sense – I DO want the Goddess to be the only thing in my life. But not in the serious, scared, self-hating, ranting prayers of a sinner seeking forgiveness. 
I want the Goddess and her presence to be the only thing I see in myself, in my best friend, in my apartment, in my work, in my car, in my late night pizza binges, in my parents, in my couch, in my trips to the grocery store to buy bananas and possibly some chocolate milk, in my video gaming, in my movie watching, in my life.
I want to do as I’ve been struggling to learn to do, by shedding these old fears one at a time (and maddeningly slowly it seems);
My goal, then, to clarify even more, is to see Her love in everything in creation. 
….it may take me a while. It may involve many more trips running back, tearful and afraid to my altar where I vent to my Ma all the awful old things rearing their head from inside. Because those things ARE still “awful” to me, I struggle to deal with them on my own. I struggle to look at the very darkest parts of my mind with compassion.
But I’m going to keep looking nonetheless. Until I can understand no part of me is awful – just something to learn from. And while my efforts at relaxing, at play (sacred and otherwise) are haltering and filled with confusion/misplaced guilt/fear, I’m going to keep doing that too. 
Because my goal is worth it.

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