… A weird mix I know.
I have, for sometime now, been working with self love to help heal a number of things, but one of the more recent problems I finally began to confront was the nature of my sexuality. And my beliefs regarding my appearance to the opposite sex.
Sexually, I’ve always sort of struggled. Not while masturbating (no shyness here, I’ll come right out and say it), but during actual sex with a real life partner? Yeah, not much happens. Or used to happen, I should say.
It was no mystery to me why; most guys would never be willing to do the things I fantasize men doing to me while I masturbate, and to be honest the kind of guy who would I knew would probably be bad news, so I avoided (with difficulty at times).
Because the only thing that would make me orgasm, masturbation-wise, was fantasizing about men hurting me. Hurting me very, very, badly in some cases. And while I am not judging anyone’s sexual choices here, I realized long ago that this wasn’t the standard. But I just kind of figured, “well, whatever I guess I’m just some kind of pervert. Right on.” And did my best to hide it.
As I got older, I did have enough presence of mind to realize that this was most likely a self esteem issue at heart, and now, after some work, and a lot of love, I am able to orgasm without fantasizing about gruesome harm befalling me, or worse, asking a guy to actually do it.
I also, after some work, have finally began to see myself as a beautiful, attractive woman. Growing up, and I’m sure you’ve encountered people like this, I constantly seem to run into men (and women, unfortunately) who would pick apart every single facet of a woman’s appearance, especially if she wasn’t dressed up at that particular moment. However, if the woman had clearly taken some effort to be dressed nice and cleaned up, they were immediately criticized for being “whores in too much makeup.”
…do these people realize what they’re doing? People who are so quick to judge someone negatively based on their appearance? I mean, for one, calling any woman a whore seems like just about the dumbest AND meanest thing you can say. Especially over something as trivial as makeup or clothes.
And further, so what if she was a prostitute? If she is, and doing so willingly, I wish her safety and the best of luck. And if she isn’t, and she’s just a woman who enjoys taking care of her appearance, or even having awesome sex with people? How is that a bad thing? Who are you to judge in the slightest?
It’s no secret that a woman’s sexuality is the most scrutinized, judged, marketed thing on the whole planet. But our sexuality is not about these things at heart. It’s about joy & pleasure; one of the most powerful pleasures nature gives us for free, right out the gate, just for showing up. If you choose, it can also be about making offspring, about bringing some wonderful new being into the world. It is a expression of life in either sense; a gift from the Goddess.
It can be playful, it can be passionate, it can be gentle, it can tender, it can (and should, I think) be all of these at times. Our sexuality can be enjoyed solo or together, can relax or stimulate us.
But one thing a healthy sexual urge should NEVER be is judged and repressed.
I used to be so worried about my appearance, that I’d mentally beat myself up if I looked “ugly” that day, and yet if I wore newer clothes and makeup, I’d be terrified I looked too “showy” and people would think I was a skank.
Today? I take the ancient Egyptian approach to makeup – they believed that makeup was both magical and holy. I wear it for myself, and treat it as a holy pampering of my divine person, and enjoy the “magic” it works in temporarily altering my appearance to suit my mood. If someone judges me for that, or my clothes, that is frankly their problem, their silliness. The true nature of my playful, loving sexuality is for me and me alone, unless I think you’re awesome enough to warrant my attention in that capacity for a while. And has nothing to do with what I wear. And if you think otherwise? Then you are decidedly NOT awesome enough.
So wear whatever makeup you want, guy, girl, or other. Today I am flaunting a lovely golden shimmer eyeshadow with black eyeliner. I am rocking it.
You are too.