Goddess Thoughts, self-love, Spirituality

Faith, a inner battle

Having faith, in anything, of any kind, does not come easily to me. Though I suppose it’s easier now than it was before. Similar to my post on trust the other day, faith is something that can be illusive. Because what is faith but trust in something you can’t always see? 
While it may sound like I am repeating myself, I bring up faith today, because it is one of those words that for the longest time had negative connotations for me. It brought to mind the older women at my grandmother’s church that I knew as a child; their faith in God always felt so drawn from a place of sadness, or from their own imaginings rather than any sort of attention paid on their part. I feel bad writing this as I suppose that’s a terribly insulting thing to say. I don’t mean it as such.
I guess what I’m trying to get at is, faith (trust in something you can’t see normally) is definitely the hardest kind of trust for me. Though I am beginning to understand that this is more a lack-of-self-worth issue, than a I’m-not-trying-hard-enough issue. I still struggle, at times, to accept the concept of a Great Mother who loves me no matter what. Brain cannot compute. 
I left work early today; I felt exhausted after too many nights up late studying and just from general anxiety. I also get up between 4 and 5 every morning for prayer, and come 1pm today I was so exhausted and miserable I realized that I simply couldn’t be there anymore. I had to go home. My boss was not happy (obviously), and I felt guilt-ridden before I even left. Not only that, but I don’t receive paid sick days at my work: it will be unpleasant on my upcoming paycheck to lose even just 6 hours. 
Plus a compounded problem had built up in my head – I have been praying to the Great Mother for financial guidance lately, and now I imagined she must be furious with me, asking for help with money while I leave work early.
I prayed briefly upon getting home, apologizing, asking her to please not be mad. I felt overwhelmed with fear, and guilt. I felt little by way of response during prayer – most likely due to my own supercharged emotional state. But I was so tired that not long after I crashed into a deep sleep that lasted the rest of the afternoon, and most of the evening. I only woke up a short time ago as I write this at 9pm. I had dreams while asleep I can barely remember, which normally are the way I get most of my guidance from Her. 
I wish I could end this post with a tale of some big dramatic vision hitting me, of the Mother’s overwhelming love. But I can’t say that.
What I can say is, that I chose to have faith now that it’s there anyway. 
I invite you to do the same.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s