self-love

Trusting Yourself when that seems Impossible

Trust can be challenging at times, no matter who (or what) you’re giving that trust to. Especially if you come from a background of distrust. 
This can be true about very simple things; for example, I’ve had some not-so-great cars over the years, a few of which have died on me in pretty spectacular ways. Today, I’m grateful that I have a newer, well-functioning car that is in perfect working order. And yet until recently, I would be constantly expecting it to spontaneously burst into a fit of Krissy-hatred at any moment. I have to make the conscious choice now to remind myself that yes, I’ve recently had the oil changed, and it has plenty of gas. There are no new weird noises or vibrations; everything is fine. 
But trust issues can also be obviously a lot more serious than just some car-related anxiety. And I’m not just talking about in romantic relationships either, though I’ve dealt with (on both the giving and receiving end) my fair share of those two. And you have my sympathy if that is something you’re currently struggling with as well. I hope there’s something here that will be helpful, even though romantic-related trust issues as I said aren’t going to be the specific focus here today.
Today is about trusting yourself. In the past, when I heard or read the phrase “trust yourself”, it always kinda frustrated me, for the same reason the phrase “believe in yourself!” frustrated me; they’re both such vague (if well intentioned) statements that I have absolutely no idea how to apply them in general day-to-day life. You might as well tell me that Antarctica requires a heavy coat this time of year. Very helpful, if you are already going to Antarctica, in which case you probably already know that a tank top is not appropriate.
Because telling someone to believe in themselves, when they very deeply DON’T, is about as useful as that (admittedly pretty weird) above example. You might be going to Antarctica tomorrow, so for you, it’s appropriate. But I’m not. I don’t even know how to GET to Antarctica. Do they have an airport? Or is this strictly an ocean-voyage scenario? Do I need my passport? Because I know Antarctica technically isn’t a country….
People who don’t believe in themselves aren’t doing it by choice; at that point in time, they genuinely don’t know how. I know. Trust me. And others telling them to do it is basically just reminding them that apparently, everyone else has figured this out already, is already in the buy-a-warm-parka phase (sorry, still stuck on Antarctica), and they’re not. No matter how much they want to be.
Trust is a similar scenario. You can want to trust someone or something, can beat yourself up for not trusting that person or thing, list every possible logical reason to yourself why you SHOULD trust that person or thing, and not a thing changes.
This is because, as I myself am slowly being taught, you are doing it wrong. I have been doing it wrong.
Like fear, that I wrote about in my very first post here, trust is not a reason-based apparatus, that can be backed into a corner than knowledge-forced into submission (TRUST, goddamn it!). It can’t be tricked or coerced or bought or anything like that. Likewise, it can’t be hidden: when you really trust someone, it’s evident in every personal interaction you have with them. Likewise, when you distrust someone, it will eventually (or sometimes immediately) be very apparent as well. 
Also like fear, I believe that overcoming a lack of trust begins with accepting and living that old worn-out phrase I mentioned above; Trust yourself. You cannot trust another until you trust yourself. A house built on a weak foundation will never stand for long. It will inevitably start to Leaning-Tower-of-Pisa its way down. Or crack and crumble from within. And this is a problem at first, because, like the whole “believe in yourself” issue above, trusting yourself is pretty hard at the start because you probably don’t know how. 
This is something I am having to learn now too: as I attempt to trust in the Divine Feminine for answers, I grapple with the fear of not being able to understand the guidance She gives. Or worse, the fear of lacking the ability to follow it. This is partly (sadly) old mistrust of Her; but it starts from within. Fear and lack of trust are so linked sometimes it’s hard to tell them apart. Often they’re not apart. But my point is, I could trust Her to give me guidance that I can handle, no matter how difficult it may seem (which I am working on). But that would also mean trusting myself as capable and intelligent. Which can be a much trickier issue if you’ve had self-worth issues similar to mine.
So here’s my thoughts for today; I’m going to start simple. I’m going to set three small, teensy tiny goals for me to have done by the end of the day. And I mean small. And just to make it super-duper-easy for myself, I’m going to make them pleasurable:
-I am going to make a grilled cheese for lunch and not beat myself up about it

– I am going to find 5 things to be grateful to the Goddess for today

– I am going to do the dishes in my sink that I kinda don’t want to do, and listen to music as I do it. Then dance around my kitchen.
I will definitely be able to meet those goals (I already want that grilled cheese…) and that’s the whole point; because tonight, before I go to bed, when I look back on my day? I’ll have made and kept three promises to myself, no matter how small they were.
Trust begins here. And it begins with baby steps.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s