Goddess Thoughts, self-love

Prayer, and Anger

Prayer is one of those tricky words that seems to mean a very simple thing, but can hide an extremely complicated set of meanings underneath.
For example, for many when they think of prayer, they may think of their hands placed palms-together, and their eyes closed as they reverently beseech the Goddess/God of their faith for aid. Or perhaps forgiveness. I’ve definitely done my fair share of both over the years, and both are absolutely valid, if that is what brings you peace and comfort.
Or maybe for you prayer is more involved; candles are lit maybe, and/or incense, and you offer gifts such as flowers, food, or whatever pleases your particular aspect of the Divine most, to show your devotion and love. Also very valid, and this type of more elaborate prayer can be very soothing and help add a feeling of closeness to you and the Being that you worship, once the kinks that inevitably come with learning a new ritual are worked out. Unless of course, it is an old ritual, which will only add to the sense of peace it brings you.
Or maybe for you, prayer is meditation; sitting in peaceful quiet, or maybe chanting, to allow the Divine Feminine/Masculine/Other to fill you. Or, for those who seek unattachment through meditation, to allow nothingness to fill you.
There is walking prayer; there are silent, thought-based prayers said in haste; there are prayers for the dead; prayers TO the dead; prayers for formal occasions such as weddings, funerals, holidays; prayer flags; prayer wheels…
And if you would like to try to list all the different aspects of Divine being worshipped currently all over the world (or even more dauntingly, all the things they’re currently being prayed to FOR), best of luck to you: not me! I can’t even begin to comprehend.
But no matter what culture you may look at, there seems to be a underlying theme, one which I wholeheartedly believe- that there is some Divine in us mere humans too. For Christians, this is the Holy Spirit. For those such as myself, it is the Divine Feminine, and the Divine Masculine. Most Faiths stemming from Asia have some version of the Yin/Yang, and even for Buddhists, who traditionally do not believe in a soul to speak of, believe in a energetic transfer upon death of sorts, and know that nirvana starts from within, through diligent application of compassion and meditation. Sometimes it’s worth remembering that, if a part of us is Divine, our prayers don’t have very far to travel.
I’ve mentioned on here recently my nervousness over worshipping a new aspect (to me) of the divine feminine and how agitated I got myself (needlessly) over whether or not the very simple altar I created would be good enough. Even after being greeted with love from the Divine Mother, old habits, based on my own lack of self-worth, continue to raise their ugly head and make me nervous over silly, sometimes-pointless things. A good example was two days ago, at work, where I got to see very clearly how silly some of my fears are.
Where I work is a primarily male environment, which is not a bad thing in and of itself of course. And most of my coworkers are very sweet, helpful people. But a few, especially some of the older men, tend to treat the women who work there (such as myself) as inherently somewhat stupid. Or, at the very least, perpetually confused. I also (not to make myself out to sound like the hottest thing in the world) get hit on frequently, or just spoken to and looked at in ways that make me uncomfortable. I normally attempt to just let it roll of me; but some days, I do still struggle with this.
The day in question, nothing particularly rude or offensive had even been said to me, is the embarrassing part. Just days and days of simmering tension (not the fun kind) building between me and a co worker which kept invading my brain. I re-grounded myself with visualization techniques, had energetic shields and separation objects in place, and did deep-breathing until I felt vaguely light-headed. And it helped, but not enough.
I was so mad, that the calm these tried-and-true techniques brought me (one of which I’ll post here in a couple days) would be completely beat down within a few minutes by a fresh wave of angry thoughts. I was so angry my jaw began to ache from clenching it, and I could feel a headache forming. I was near tears out of desperation by noon – I knew I needed to forgive, to let go, and fast; but was too overwhelmed by my own emotions to accomplish that. Even lunch break brought no quiet time to meditate: we have rules that keep us eating in the same break room. Though to be honest, I couldn’t have meditated if I tried. I thought about asking my guides for help, which they always give fairly quickly, but I worried, based on past experience, that the peace they gave wouldn’t be enough. Besides, I didn’t truly want their help.
I wanted Hers. I desperately, deep down in my soul, wanted the Great Mother’s help. But the aspect of the Goddess I have recently began to pray to is known for Her fierce nature, and further, She Is from the Hindu pantheon; my prayers to Her at home involve chanting mantras in Sanskrit (which I am certain I am butchering, despite my research and best intentions) and lighting candles and offerings of fruit and incense and spring water. I had no idea if She could/would even HEAR me outside of such a set up (remember, I’m learning too here), or if She did, would be willing to help.
So ignored all of the loving messages I’ve received and did not pray, for fear of offending Her with my hasty prayer of desperation. And my anger continued to build. And so did my misery. I couldn’t focus; my head was now throbbing and my throat and stomach hurt. I wanted to cry and scream and throw things and all the while in the back of my head I wanted the Mother. Even just curiosity worked against my fear: “…would She actually l listen and help?” Some dangerous, reckless part of me wondered. The student in me was nearly beside herself with finding out the answer. The child in me desperately needed Her help. But the fear-based, self-hating adult in me resisted for a surprisingly long time.
Until finally, the curiosity, pain, anger and exhaustion became too much: I quietly chanted Her name three times, and, in front of no altar, with no offerings except my own misery, I begged Her, while still working even for fear of being noticed by my coworkers, to take my anger away, even just for a while, because I was overwhelmed and hurting and couldn’t do it on my own right now.
The effect was so immediate, it may have begun before the words were out of my mouth. I was instantly completely engulfed by a enormous, soul-deep sense of calm. A calm so profound I can only describe it as something similar to being sedated by a doctor; my brain could tell me that I was still angry, somewhere in there, and could feel it again, I suppose, if I really worked at it. But it was an objective view of that anger, as if seen from very far away. The rest of me was, finally, at peace. I wish I could remember the feel of it more now – it is hard to remember and describe such a feeling (which lasted for hours before slowly wearing off) of serenity, and even now, only a few days later, some rebellious part of me wants to say I imagined it. Except I didn’t. And it was beautiful. I would have cried with gratitude at the time if I were able to.
As I write this, it occurs to me the it may have been Her guidance that made me so consumed with the idea of calling to Her in the first place (I’ve never done so with the Great Goddess in any form before actually while at work). That night, when I got home, I lit my candle, and chanted my chants and said thank you, with tears in my eyes then, in my normal style of prayer.
But She, in Her wisdom, taught me something even more special than the gift of calm She gave me. She taught me to remember what a loving mother like Her (which She has always felt to me as, when I can shut down my own fears enough to truly feel Her) does when Her child is in pain:
They help.
And in that circumstance, I think, to Her, maybe any prayer is good enough.

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2 thoughts on “Prayer, and Anger”

    1. Thank you so much, Kathryn! That’s so sweet. I was just reading some of your site, by the way, after I saw your comment and I think your FAQ regarding Intuitive Readings is one of the clearest and most helpfully worded I’ve read. 🙂 All the best!

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