Goddess Thoughts, self-love

On Loving the Mother, and Loving my Mother

I am struggling today with an old problem, something that has plagued me for many years, though this is the first time I have really made any progress in overcoming it.
I am attempting to love and forgive my mother. In doing so, accept all mothers, and allow Divine Love in my life.
As I wrote in my last article, I have recently set up an altar to a Goddess aspect that I have not worshipped before. I am currently in Priestess training through the Order of the White Moon, and maybe based on all this, and my posts on here, you would maybe think that I easily and graciously accept the Divine Love of the Great Mother in my life.
You would be wrong.
Growing up, my mother here in the physical could be a very loving woman. She could be supportive, and protective, and, about certain things, surprisingly open-minded.
She could also be petty, mean, unstable, judgemental, manipulative, and self-absorbed. My childhood was split between periods of deep love and kindness from her, and periods where she would mock me, belittle me, refuse to speak to me for long stretches (often I would be unsure of why, or if I did know why, it was for something I had not actually done), and become jealous if I paid more attention to other family members then her. Even my toddler-age brother was not spared this jealousy. 
To her credit, she did take us both for counseling; but once there, at every single appointment, she would never allow me to speak, would often lie, and once it was over, would completely ignore any suggestions our therapist had made. This all culminated, sometime later, into her taking me to a local hospital and saying “You need to take her, run tests on her, put her somewhere in the city…I can’t deal with her anymore.” 
I wasn’t on drugs. I never stayed out late with friends, because I had none outside of school. It’s hard to have friends when you’re scared to invite anyone home. I had never held hands with a boy, or even really been interested in one besides friendship- and yet she was telling the doctor in the hospital that I was reckless, irresponsible, probably sexually active with boys, and completely beyond her control.
I had spent the day before this doing laundry for my family, and playing with my little brother. I was 14, and my exciting Saturday’s involved mostly reading, playing in the woods with my brother, and chores. I did start to become interested in the Goddess at this time, but like many teenagers, I had lots of enthusiasm and little understanding. And for the most part, my mother was surprisingly supportive; the idea of a Divine Feminine was a hard one for me to grasp, let alone explain, but she thought it was cool to hear of spirituality so in-tune with nature, and would even help me find interesting things for my little altar. Now, in the hospital room, my mother had changed once again; now I was in some sort of cult, she was fairly sure. The doctor had to do something with me, I was running wild.
….Thankfully, they did nothing. When the doctor asked me if I felt unstable, or unable to control myself, I answered honestly, and angrily, “No, right now I just feel more pissed off than anything.”
Eventually the doctor asked me to wait outside, and later, when my mother and the doctor emerged, my mother seemed embarrassed, but calmer. She took me out for ice cream, and apologized, telling me that she didn’t really mean any of it, and in tears told me how much she loved me. I nodded along, saying little. I remember that moment deciding that as soon as I was able, as soon as I was an adult, I would never speak to her again, and I would never forgive her.
I am now 27. And I haven’t spoken to her in 3 years. Though honestly it’s been longer than that since we had any sort of relationship. My adult life has been punctuated by periods of brief communication between us, followed by years of silence. I honestly do want to reconnect with her, at the very least just to make peace before going my own way again, and she reaches out to me often in phone calls, texts, even developing a email relationship with one of my ex’s that made me extremely uncomfortable. But I know it was out of desperation; for all our differences and difficulties, I am (fairly) certain that she has always loved me. Just other, personal things of her own got in the way. And raising a teenage girl isn’t easy, no matter how much of a homebody I was.
But I still don’t talk to her. Worse, if I even think about calling her on the phone at horrible, sick feeling starts in the pit of my stomach and I begin to sweat and feel like I going to either scream or sob. Because I want a mother in my life. But I can’t think of the love without remembering the pain and hate; without remembering what it felt like to be a teenage girl hearing her Mom say “No, take her away, I can’t handle her anymore.”
Over the years, many other family members, and friends, have offered their own insights and opinions on the situation. And to be honest, little has helped. Especially as a teen, I received loads of advice and criticism, mostly from school counsellors and teachers who I reached out to for help- most of whom were quick to assume I was exaggerating or just a teenager being mad at her mom, and trying to get her in trouble. And while I’m not going to pretend I didn’t have any teenage-overdramatic moments, now that I’m an adult, looking back, I still can’t imagine acting the way she did to me throughout my childhood.
And it’s affected me in profound ways, though I am only beginning to realize it now. I have assumed, due to how my attempts for help were treated in my teenage years, that people will disregard me when I attempt to communicate now. I also am, I must admit, quite suspicious of all mothers I encounter; I assume their kindness and love to their children is a brief moment of light in a childhood of darkness.
But I am starting to understand; to see and acknowledge that, yes, these are old, limiting (and extremely unfair) beliefs that I have based on my own past experiences. Not all mothers are so quick to mood swings as my own, or so manipulative. And recently, I have began to work with the excellent Louise Hay book, “You Can Heal Your Life”, which challenges us to think “what kind of childhood would raise a person like that?” 
What kind of childhood would raise a person like my mother? The more I consider it, the less I enjoy the picture I receive – what kind of a childhood would raise someone to be so insecure that she would be jealous of her own daughter playing with (also her own) son? Jealous enough to get in fights with me about it? What kind of childhood creates that? Or the other hurtful experiences she created for me over the years? 
And my inability to forgive and understand doesn’t just hurt my relationship with her, or even just the relationships with people around me. How easily do you think I am able to accept love and compassion from the Divine Feminine? To accept the idea of an all-loving Mother? 
When starting my training, I initially became frustrated, because I would read accounts of other students and their experiences of overwhelming Divine compassion, and wonder why I couldn’t have that. After dream guidance, prayers and some deep soul searching, I am beginning to understand clearer why. 
The Goddess does love me. But I am unable to accept it. At least, I am unable to accept it at this time. While initially saddening, I am now grateful, because I know now what to do.
I will continue to work (as I have for some time) to cultivate forgiveness and understanding for my mother (and all mothers) on the physical plane.
And I now choose to be worthy of love and compassion from the Great Mother as well.

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2 thoughts on “On Loving the Mother, and Loving my Mother”

  1. Wishing you the best on your healing journey and trusting that the Great Mother will guide you in her own way. You already are so aware of many things. Perhaps one day you will be able to forgive your mother for the very unstable way of showing you her love and deep insecurities and also keep in place any boundaries you need to feel safe in that relationship.

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    1. Thank you so much for the kind words – I’ll admit I was very nervous posting this, as I didn’t want it to sound like I was bashing her or other mothers in anyway – I just know that there must be other people out there who go through something similar., and it has been on my mind a lot lately.
      Again, thank you 🙂 I hope to someday be able to release the anger I have, and I appreciate your support

      Liked by 1 person

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